By Paula Kavolius
I went to the mall today and the lot was jammed with shoppers frantically vying for oversubscribed parking spots. Cars were parked illegally. People were coming in both directions trying to beat each other out of the one spot that appeared to be vacating. I thought to myself, “If I didn’t have to find an outfit, I would definitely turn around and go home.”
Well, as luck would have it, a spot opened right before my eyes. It was as if God said, “Relax - I’ll help you out.” A few weeks off my knee surgery and after a full day of moving furniture and decorating HOPe, I limped into the mall and began the unpleasant task of trying on dozens of festive outfits. I sought the one outfit that wouldn’t cause me to be mistaken for the Christmas tree or make me look balder or shorter and definitely not older than I really am. This is not an easy feat for me and definitely not one I can take on with an empty stomach.
As I re-hung outfit after outfit – too frilly, too low in the front, too short, too tight, too expensive, too cheap looking, too ornate - it dawned on me that perhaps it was me that was too picky. Why not wear the dress with no sleeves regardless of how fat my arms are? Perhaps I should wear the one that is too tight, even if it rips as I reach for my pocketbook. Maybe I should just choose something red because after all, no one is going to be my friend because of my fabulous outfit. And no one worth knowing is not going to be my friend because I wore the one that showed my flabby arms.
I thought about all the special kids of HOPe and how much I love them with all their imperfections. They are pure hearts and in their weaknesses or cracks, God’s light shines brightly. I thought of Tom and his amazing outlook on life and what an impact he has on everyone he meets. I thought of Ryan who asks for little yet loves and laughs so generously. I thought of Leah whose love of music and others has helped her come so far. I thought of my son Timmy, who dances his way into just about anyone’s heart.
I thought about how sometimes the holidays can be hard for families that have children that aren’t perfect. The pressure for the Norman Rockwell Christmas is enormous for everyone and when you add the responsibility of caring for a child with significant challenges, stress can be “off the charts.” I know what it’s like to have a child not sit at the dinner table or quietly open presents that aren’t his because he thinks that all presents are for him. I have been at parties where he is over-stimulated, under-stimulated, loud, non-compliant, won’t eat the food, won’t shut the bathroom door, has come out of the bathroom with his pants by his ankles…You name it, I’ve lived it.
But truth be told, these are my family and dearest friends that I am visiting and if they love me, they love my Timmy. Whether it’s my flabby arms or Timmy’s loud clapping, we are what we are and we are both doing the very best we can each and every day.
So to those of you that find the holidays stressful, I suggest you pull out the outfit that is most comfortable, wrap your presents any way you’d like, bring your beautiful child to wherever all of you are most welcome and celebrate the holidays knowing the miracle is in your heart, no where else. And with your perfect hearts and in the words of Leonard Cohen, “Ring the bell that still can ring, forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in. That’s how the light gets in.”